My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
