Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
