she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
