she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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