my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
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Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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