She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
