new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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