i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
do herpes really smell.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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