Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
