Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
