here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
