I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
