Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.

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(353): View more from

When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

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(330): View more from Ohio

come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned

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(650): View more from California

I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.

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(708): View more from Illinois

That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device

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(972): View more from Texas

Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL

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