I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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