Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
