Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
