Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I FOUND THE LEGS
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
