Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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