Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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