she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You know, be my cock's hype man.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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