Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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