Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
