Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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