U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
