thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
