i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
it's like iHOP with fire
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You ruined the universe
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
