I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
