im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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