btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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