Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
