when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
