fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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