Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
