She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
