It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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