I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
