maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
