i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
