well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
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you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
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I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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