Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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