we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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