I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He had one of those small greek statue penises
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My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
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I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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