When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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