you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
