Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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