Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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