Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
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so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
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He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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