I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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