it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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