the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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