census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
