Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
