im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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