i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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